A poem for our times

On a table, together with all my options,
I sat under a nuclear umbrella and played with a mushroom cloud.
I was in a zone,
Of immunity.
I pitted a nuclear duck against a terrorist octopus.
They crossed each others’ red lines until both reached the point of no return
And spinning, they fell off the table.
I got up to close the window of opportunity,
as it was letting in a cold draft from the Islamic Winter outside.
Spring, all too short, was over.


It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s Ahmadineduck!

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told the AIPAC conference in Washington this morning that there are still people who believe that Iran is not working to develop nuclear weapons:

Amazingly, some people refuse to acknowledge that Iran’s goal is to develop nuclear weapons. You see, Iran claims to do everything it’s doing, that it’s enriching uranium to develop medical isotopes.

Yeah, that’s right.

A country that builds underground nuclear facilities, develops intercontinental ballistic missiles, manufactures thousands of centrifuges, and that absorbs crippling sanctions, is doing all that in order to advance…medical research.

So you see, when that Iranian ICBM is flying through the air to a location near you, you’ve got nothing to worry about. It’s only carrying medical isotopes.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then what is it?

That’s right, it’s a duck. But this duck is a nuclear duck.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I present you with the Iranian nuclear duck. I call him: Ahmadineduck!


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From Tel Aviv to Austin: Israeli bands, techs and reps make big impact on SXSW 2012

Most Americans think of Israel as the cradle of civilization, a country stuck in the ancient past.

But what few of us realize is that, in addition to the historical landmarks, Israel also has the largest number of per-capita government and private sector investments in Research and Development and number of engineers in the world. Technology is one of Israel’s most developed sectors, hosting IBM, Microsoft, Intel and Motorola’s largest R&D facilities outside the United States.

Now, 75 of Israel’s leading creatives and innovators are traveling over 7,000 miles to join the throngs of attendees at this year’s SXSW during the music, film and interactive portions in a program they call “i: Made in Israel.” With a strong, identifiable presence at the conference, Americans can get a taste of the exciting developments happening in the technology and performing arts sectors of Tel Aviv.

Meetings, deals and demos will take place March 12 – 15 at the “Beachside Cafe” inside the SXSW Tradeshow. This “idea bar” will feature tables with full coffee service and an opportunity to meet with the 30 Israeli startups in attendance at the festival as well as listen to live music from the seven Israeli bands in attendance at SXSW.

The bands — which range from the metal-rock sounds ofI.U.D.M. to the Latin electronica of DJ Erez Ben Ishay to the singer/songwriter sound of Yael Kraus — will have additional unofficial showcases throughout the city during the festival, but will always be on the schedule at the “i: Made in Israel” events.

On Friday, March 16, “i: Made in Israel” will throw an official SXSW “Tel Aviv Beach Party” at Brush Park, across the street from the Convention Center. This is your chance to see full sets from the bands who will play throughout the day, and folks can relax under cabanas while stretching out on beach loungers. Beach-themed drinks and Israeli snacks and games will create the feel of bringing the Israeli culture to Austin.

Six Israeli companies will also partake in the Austin International Technology Summit at the Palm Door on Mar 10. Austin tech companies will meet with delegates from 12 different countries to discuss the use of technology in economic development. Besides Israel, representatives from France, Singapore, Germany, Ireland, The Netherlands, The United Kingdom, New Zealand, Spain, Brazil, Japan and Canada.


VIDEO: Tel Aviv Purim Street Party 2012


Haschem, unser Schöpfer isst Rindfleisch in Sahnesoße?

Das glaubst du nicht? Dann lies bitte Genesis (Bereschit) 18. 1bis 8. Wajerah. Der Ewige erschien unserem Stammvater Abraham unter den Terebinthen zu Mamre – so ne Art Garten – zur Mittagszeit mit zwei Männern als Begleitung – vermutlich Engel-, egal, und Abraham hat den Herr´n bewirtet, mit Brotkuchen und Rindfleisch in Sahnesoße. Und es wurde gegessen und gut.

Na was soll denn das, bitte? MIlchig mit fleischig zusammen in einer Mahlzeit und dann auch noch G´tt selbst? Was ist da los in Genesis 18. 1-8 ? Und Abraham Awinu gibt so ein Essen aus?  Na ja, die Gesetze wurden ja erst später am Sinai verkündet. Abraham wusste gar nichts davon, dass man milchig mit fleischig nicht zusammen essen darf. Aber G´tt der Herr, was ist mit ihm? Heute so und morgen so? Gut, ein paar Jährchen vergingen schon zwischen dem Imbiss in Mamre und Sinai, aber G´tt, was hat ihn bewogen seine Meinung zu ändern? Hat er sie vielleicht gar nicht geändert? Darf man vielleicht auch nach Sinai, also auch heute noch, milchig und fleischig gemeinsam verzehren? Liegt da etwa ein Missverständnis vor? Hat da jemand etwas falsch verstanden oder genauer ausgedrückt und mit verlaub, hat da jemand gar nichts gecheckt, sozusagen alles vollständig verplant und das Thema verfehlt und sich etwas aus den Fingern gezutzelt und an den Haaren herbeigezogen?  Wie kommt so ein Exeget auf solche milchig-fleischig-, parvöse  Ideen?



Stop worrying and love the Iranian bomb

In the run-up to the 2009 general elections opposition leader Binyamin Netanyahu criss-crossed the world saying the year was 1938. “It’s 1938 and Iran is Germany. And Iran is racing to arm itself with atomic bombs,” Netanyahu told delegates at the annual United Jewish Communities General Assembly. “Believe him and stop him,” he said of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “This is what we must do. Everything else pales before this.” While the Iranian president “denies the Holocaust,” Netanyahu said, “he is preparing another Holocaust for the Jewish state.”

A YEAR AND A HALF later and we are deep into 1939.

Israel’s, and the world’s, failure to stop Iran from achieving a nuclear breakout capacity is now a sad and undeniable fact.
While the Iranians were somewhat slowed down in their progress (some experts say that had it not been for various covert sabotage operations they would have reached breakout two years ago), they finally got there.

The Iranians now have all the components they need to independently build nuclear weapons. They have thousands of scientists working at multiple facilities across Iran; they have all the enrichment hardware they need (their software recently took a bit of a knock, but once the “bug” was discovered and sealed they continued apace); they have advanced missiles of varying ranges; and now all they need to do is enrich to weapons grade levels and put a warhead on a missile.

This is not a simple process, but the Iranians can do it, by themselves, whenever they choose to. They have all three necessary elements and now all that they need to do is to take the political decision to put a couple of bombs together and become a regional hegemonic power. They achieved this by spreading their nuclear program broadly, over multiple facilities, with slow and methodical progress. READ MORE


Love in the time of Uranium

“America’s commitment and my commitment to Israel and Israel’s security is unshakeable. It is unshakeable. I am proud to say that no U.S. administration has done more in support of Israel’s security than ours. None. Don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise. It is a fact. We are determined to prevent Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons. And that’s why, rest assured, we will take no options off the table.” – US President Barack Obama, December 17, 2011


A war-weary gentleman holds his young, tempestuous, and fiery lover close, in a warm, yet slightly too strong embrace, not only out of mutual respect and love but, lately, mainly out of real concern that his young lover could break his grip and dash across the room to attack the ugly man standing in the corner; that smirking stranger playing with himself, growing larger and larger, panting, frothing, disgusting, taunting the young woman, threatening to explode all over her. That ugly man has been making lewd gestures at her, and she is frightened that he will come and take her when her lover is not looking, when he’s distracted or asleep. The beautiful young one tells her older lover that she will not leave him, will not just disappear into the night, that she won’t, out of fear and desperation, lash out at her tormentor alone, that she will always remain close, always in contact, that she will keep her cool, and that if she goes out for the night, she’ll tell him where she’s going and when she’ll be back. But she also says that she has to go out into the night; it’s coming, it’s calling her, that she’s been hurt before, deeply hurt, that she’s afraid of the ugly man in the corner; she can’t sleep because of the ugly man in the corner; she wants him gone, gone now… he’s coming to get me, he’s promised to do terrible, horrible things to me….I can’t live, I can’t breathe as long as he’s out there…playing with that thing…that disgusting thing…I can’t take my eyes off it, and he is not taking his eyes off me…I can’t stay with you if you don’t take care of him….I won’t….take him away from me forever…and if you can’t, or won’t, then let me go. Now. READ MORE


On the couch with Bibi Netanyahu

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at his weekly therapy session.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu: Doc, you don’t know how much I needed this session today. I’m a wreck.
Psychologist: I’m sorry to hear that. What’s going on?
PM: It’s happening again. I feel like I’m fighting with everyone. I feel like I can’t trust anyone. I’m angry all the time. I’m scared.
Psychologist: We’ve spoken about your trust issue here before, several times.
PM: Yes. I know. It’s come up again, I’m left with nobody to trust, no one to confide in.
Psychologist: Tell me what happened.
PM: They took away Nathan. Can you believe it? Let me tell you, that was a total shock. I saw it on TV. On TV! My Nathan, on TV! I was in shock. It’s not good for a Prime Minister to be in shock. And Nathan! My right-hand man and my left-hand man. He’s the only one who knew what the right hand and left hand were doing. My main man. The only one I really could trust from that whole gang. Hendel! Couldn’t trust him. He was too good-looking. He was too serious looking. Too seriously good-looking. He stabbed me in the back. He had to go. I showed him the door the same way I heard about Nathan’s story: on TV. Ha! Showed him. Hendele comes to me, says he’s sorry about how it all came down. I says to the guy: ‘it’s all wrong what you did. I have absolutely no faith in you anymore. None.’ So he says: ‘Ok, well, in that case, I’ll resign immediately.’ And I says to the guy: ‘Ok, but let’s announce it in a day or two, once I find a replacement.’ And then you know what I did doc? I leaked it straight to the TV! Shame, poor Hendele, never knew what hit him. What goes around comes around, that’s what dad always says. And Zvika, I showed him the door too, on live TV. I let him have it. ‘Lock the door, just lock it, why can’t you just do what I tell you to do?’ Poor Zvika, he still hasn’t gotten the message. Wait until he tries to get a spot in the Likud, that will be something heheh.
Psychologist: You’re very angry. I heard they said that they had your best interests at heart. Are you maybe being too harsh?
PM: Rubbish. Of course I’m angry. I’m not being harsh enough. I could be much, much harsher, believe me. But we are in a vibrant democracy after all. The only one in the Middle East. These guys, these jokers, Hendel, Hauser and Locker betrayed my trust. They went behind my back doctor. They deserve to get booted out. I can’t work with people like that.
Psychologist: Let’s get back to Eshel. Why are you so upset about him? I mean, he did after all harass a member of your staff. He did take inappropriate photos of her. He hacked into her mail. This man was obviously creating an unhealthy atmosphere in your office, and, in a sense, now that he’s gone, the unhealthy atmosphere is also gone. You should be happy about that. Perhaps not at the way it was done, but the final result is the same. But you’re really upset about losing him, aren’t you. disproportionately upset, aren’t you? Let’s explore that.
PM: They took away my Eshel. My Eshel, he was mine. My loyal, loyal Eshel. Loyalty like that comes around once, maybe twice in a prime ministerial term. I trusted him like I trust you. I told him everything. He’s done so much for me, for my office, for this country, for the Likud. It’s a tragedy. I’m in grief. I’m grieving doctor. So is Sarale.



Ist er beschnitten?

Ist er beschnitten?


Na er, er, der alles erschuf, der alles beherrscht. Er, der er der König der Welt genannt wird und der über uns wacht und uns beobachtet, immerdar. Er, der Chef von´t  jantze.

Reb Jid, lieber Freund, alter Jude, ihr meint doch wohl nicht ihn, dessen funktionelle Titulierung wir aus Ehrfurcht und Furcht nur mit einem Apostroph zu schreiben wagen und dessen Namen wir nur aussprechen dürfen,wenn es wirklich sein muss?. Ihr meint doch wohl nicht G´tt?

Bingo! Der isses. Den meine ich. Ist er beschnitten?

Also, da muss ich doch sehr bitten. Sowas fragt man nicht. Das ist Privatsache. Wen hat das zu interessieren? Wer das wissen will, soll selber nachforschen oder ins selbe Fitnescenter gehen und unter der Dusche… Ach was red ich da?  Sowas fragt man doch nicht. Das hab ich noch nie gehört. Das ist Sünde oder so.

Wieso soll das Sünde sein, so etwas zu fragen? Wir sind doch aufgefordert die Torah zu studieren, zu lernen und uns Gedanken zu machen und ihn, unseren Schöpfer, nie zu vergessen und seine Gebote und Gesetze zu beachten. Und da hab ich so nachgedacht und überlegt wie er aussieht und mal dieses übliche Klischee beiseite galassen, von wegen G`tt ist ein höheres Wesen und ist in allem und jedem und man kann ihn nicht sehen und kann ihn sich nicht vorstellen. Nein, die Sache ist eigentlich ganz klar: Nach dem ersten Buch Mose, Bereschit, hat G`tt den Menschen, Adam nach seinem Ebenbild erschaffen. Und Zwar als genaues Abbild. Wie es da heißt: ” Beh Tsilum”. Da kann man nichts machen. Der Mensch, Adam, also der männliche Mensch, ist ein Ebenbild G`ttes und folglich sieht Go`tt genau so aus wie der Mensch. G`tt ist also definitiv keine Frau. Er ist ein Mann, oder besser, er sieht aus wie ein Mann. Also hat er auch einen Penis. Tut mir sehr Leid, aber so isses nunmal.

Jetzt isses aber gut. Das geht zu weit.

Na ja, ob das ganze nun Maßstabsgetreu ist, davon steht nichts in der Torah, aber einen Penis hat er. Da ist es doch nicht verwunderlich, wenn einer der nachdenkt und über die Torah klärt, gemäß der frommen Vorschrift, fragt ob G´tt beschnitten ist.

Natürlich ist er beschnitten. G´tt ist doch Jude.